I had been contemplating making this entry Private or Friends Only… but why? What would I save by doing so? To what purpose and end?
I didn’t have any answers to those questions, so I opted to keep it public for myself and friends who don’t have LJ accounts.
The Service was astoundingly beautiful. George was on his best behaviour, and Kathy was stunning, as a bride should be. The Rev. Jeff performed the ceremony, and was the same ‘ol Jeff I remember from years back. It was good to see so many people from my past there. Oddly, I felt no need to rekindle any friendships. Don’t get me wrong, it was fabulous to catch up with everyone, but don’t need to hang out with them until the next wedding or funeral.
I know the above is short and sweet, and honestly, I don’t care to drone on about how wonderful the cake was, or how fabulous the food was (sorry G, you get to take a back-seat to me in this entry)…. I have other things to talk about which are far more important to me and will show exactly how immature and selfish I am. (How sad is it that my entry about G’s wedding, turns into the trite drivel below…)
Suffice to say, however, I was patently unprepared for the day ahead of me. Emotionally speaking I mean.
I was caught off-guard, due to my own inability to remember things told to me. I knew there was a possibility Adam would be at the Bachelor Party… and I had time to deal with that. But he didn’t show, and I completely forgot that if he was invited to the bachelor party, then he would most definitely be invited to the wedding. For some reason, the possibility didn’t even occur to me. Silly, silly me. I was, to understate it, a bit unprepared. And it was an odd feeling, since not a day goes by that I am not reminded of the pain he caused me, constantly on my mind, yet I was completely incapacitated.
The result of this wet-ware failure, was a flustered and stammering, less than confident, Jason. Blind-sided by my own synaptic inequities, the rest of the day I was playing at less than par emotionally and mentally.
As it turns out, to my own personal dismay, I have not moved past the day 4 and a half years ago when I walked away from Adam as a friend and stopped seeing him as a person and more as an inanimate object devoid of feeling or caring (which, to this day, has never expressed to me any amount of remorse for what he did). I had thought I had moved past things, grown as a person, and was beginning to forgive. Unfortunately, Saturday was the first time I had seen him in the entire time since I walked away, and it seems that I was right back to where I was the day I left his door-step. It was as if not even a day had passed. I was relieved that he didn’t attempt to approach or talk with us, as I fear what my reaction would be. And ultimately, I am disappointed and let down by my fear.
We should have left earlier in the day. Earlier and we would have been fine. But alas, we got roped into a final dance by the DJ and then a “Circle of Friends” where the microphone was passed and everyone is expected to say something nice about the Bride and groom in the middle. Pure hell. I had to stand and listen to Adam wax comical about his “best friend” and the bond they shared. My turn came and I stammered, sounding much like Paul Teutul Sr. on American Chopper: “what is, is. And What was Was….”, etc. I could hear myself stammering and when I stopped to think, it just got worse. Wow, a perfect way to end it. At least I know G understood what I was -trying- to say, even if no one else did. But I despise sounding stupid, and especially in front of Adam (who most assuredly reveled in the stumble, silently laughing at the fool I made of myself). I have worked too hard to rise above and make something of myself, just to be let down by a slow mind in a crowded room on an open mic. At that moment, nothing I have achieved mattered; I was still a babbling sophomoric idiot not to be taken with any level or seriousness, or (god forbid) respect. I had achieved nothing.
Emotionally, the day did a number on me. I repeatedly reminded myself that this was George and Kathy’s day and anything I said or did I would deeply regret later. And that hurt me too. I NEVER have to remind myself of things like that. I try to live without regret and I pride myself on being able to do the right thing in most every situation. And here I was, essentially talking myself down. How utterly disgusting and repulsive to me. Even so, I nearly walked out a few times because of my own inability to deal with my emotions in a mature fashion. All I could really think of was putting a fist through his jaw. And that is the one thought that I was okay with. As wrong as it is. And its the one thought that shows how little I have really changed since elementary school. I know it is wrong, but some how, breaking him physically is the one thing that would make me happy for the moment. And that truly disgusts me too.
It was a fairly quiet ride back home. We were both lost in thought.
Luckily I was able to stifle everything down for a bit and actually have a relaxing dinner later on at Tortilla Flats with Jean and Colleen. The waiter had taken our drink orders and returned with them in-tow to also take our dinner orders. I had downed my Cadillac between the time it hit the table and my turn to order came around. Neither jean nor Colleen even saw me take a sip. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait to long for a second Cadillac to show up at the table. Of any day in my life, this was one of the top few that necessitated a nice strong drink.
I was able to turn off enough on Saturday evening/night that I rested fairly well and was able to enjoy my company for the evening and on Sunday. Sans a brief episode where I vented to John, I was pretty well able to handle my life again and not allow my focus to be on -me- and my inability to deal with my emotions, but rather to have a good time with good friends and simply relax.
There are times when I have it all figured out… then there are other times, like Saturday, when I am clueless to even myself.
Hopefully my next entry will be more enlightening and entertaining.