In the past few weeks here, I have obviously been inside my head quite a bit. (Honestly it IS a fun place to roam around from time to time.) I have realized quite a few things about myself and my relations to those around me. I have even divulged some of this information here in my own meandering rambles. Today is no different. Following is yet another recent observation into my own psyche:
I never really got over the events of 4 and a half years past. Well, at least not truly. This is not to say I didn’t work on it and never tried. But in the past few weeks it has become apparent to me that while I thought I had finally moved past things, I was mistaken. I hadn’t moved past. I had simply forgotten. So much time has passed that I just stopped thinking about things and moved on. Mostly because I had no choice; life kind of takes you for rides like that, without giving you a chance to catch up and prepare.
This explains (to me at least) my reaction at George and Kathy’s wedding. It was a stark reminder for me, which drudged up everything from my past. While I had though I had moved past it, I realized quickly that I had just stopped thinking about it. This, of course, was as much of a surprise to me as it was to anyone else. There was no way to have predicted this.
In fact, I have only just now really come to understand it better. I find that even a few weeks out now, I am beginning to forget once again. I don’t believe I had forgiven Adam at all, but rather the less I think about it the less real it seems, and likewise the more able I am to just move past it. There is no forgive and forget here; just forget.
I walked away from him 4 and a half years ago. Since then, I have lead a fine life without him. I have nothing to gain from him other than a friend I still can’t trust; and no one needs that. It seems to me that forgetting is the easiest way out of this.
Now damn LJ for allowing me to write things out and review what my mind is telling me. I just sat back and read the above and realized I am simply taking the easy way out of this and have been for the past few years. “Ignore it and you won’t have to deal with it” isn’t exactly the most healthy way to live. And it makes me feel small and worthless for not standing up and being a man about it. Running away (in essence) is not the way I want to lead my life, though sadly, it seems that this has been the case for a while. On the same hand, however, I still don’t feel strong enough to face him and risk either jail time or having to walk away from him a second time in my life.
I guess I need to decide if I am going to continue evading or if I am going to actually grow a set and tackle this head on. And either way, those are prospects which scare me.