Of purposes, explanations, and feelings
As a quick forward, or more correctly, an aside to my post I would like to clarify the intent of this blog:
My purpose and use for this online journal is two fold. First it began as a medium to push me to keep writing in creative ways and express ideas which are outside the course of my normal daily writings (technical support knowledge base articles, e-mails, and even a little marketing here and there). Soon, though, my writing became more personal as I began to use the journal as an outlet for frustrations, and as a tool to help me outwardly vocalize inner conflict. In doing so, it has helped me look at my own thoughts and feelings as an outsider and to view myself with a different perspective.
At no time should any writings here be confused with veiled attempts at seeking validation or approval. My words here should only be taken for what they are: my own personal thoughts, feelings, reflections, and perceptions of the subject at hand. Many times I am wrong… Often I am right… in the end, none of it matters though, be cause this is simply who I am.
With that said, I bring you my reflections on 4 years past, and why I do what I do today…
When I walked out of Adam’s door four and half years ago, I walked away without any intent of ever interacting with him again. I had originally gone to confront him over a situation which had me feeling betrayed and alone, and I needed to let him know where I stood. We talked, and tears were even shed at some point. During this, however, I was continually feeling damn near attacked and blamed for what had happened. I had gone to talk as someone who had been betrayed, and yet I was suddenly placed with the blame for something I had no direct control over. Yes, I had made some mistakes, but not with him, and NEVER in such a way that anyone could place blame on me for what he had done. This infuriated me. _I_ was the victim here, _I_ was the one betrayed, _I_ was the one who’s life was brought to shambles around me and forced to rebuild. HOW DARE HE play the victim in this. I think he may have apologized at some point, but what does it really matter? When he failed to take any responsibility for his actions, blame others for his lack of courage and morals, or show any remorse for what he had done, apologies are meaningless.
So I left, without any closure. Without any uplifting or hopeful feelings. I walked away, instead, more beaten and low than when I had walked in. I walked away furious that my best friend had not only betrayed me, but had tried to turn the blame for it back on to me. How dare he….
Recently, I have had more than one person suggest that I may want to contact him again to finally put this all behind us. To possibly re-kindle the friendship that had once been there and perchance to finally find closure. I have wanted to address my reasons why I knee-jerkedly react with a resounding “NO” when asked:
There are only two scenarios I can see happening here if that were to occur:
1. I either take the gamble, contact him and and he shows remorse/apologizes in a believable and acceptable way; and I never talk to him again. (I have no intent or interest in being friends again. Broken trust and betrayal is kinda funny that way.)
2. OR he fails yet again to take any responsibility and tries to push the blame back on me and ends up in the hospital… and I end up in jail.
Either way, I don’t see any positive outcomes from the possibilities, and I end up in the same place (or worse) for my efforts. When I had told people 4 and a half years ago that I had written him off, I wasn’t joking. When I walked away, he was dead to me.
Since then I have, admittedly, been curious as to his whereabouts and where life has taken him. (Yes I realize the obvious hypocrisy of this statement as immediately following my tirade about how he is dead to me.) Never, however, have I felt the need or desire to contact him to find out. Honestly, I’d much rather simply sit back and read about what he has been up to and judge him from afar. It is safer for the both of us that way I’d think.
Part of me is also curious to know what he has told his mom and sister about why, after a solid 11 years of friendship, we suddenly stopped hanging out. I wonder what sort of fable he has spun to make himself look good, and make me the evil person again…
I am happy with my life now. I have achieved far more than I had once thought possible. Jean and are are the happiest we have ever been. Things are looking good. Why in the world would I want to risk it all just to friends with someone who has proven to me that he can’t be a friend. He doesn’t care about me -or- the consequences of his actions. And my time is not worth having a person like that in my life.
I also realize that more people read this than I am truly aware of. And that is fine. I make no apologies for my feelings or perspectives. If you find issue with it, take it up with me. I’d be more than happy to explain.