Fear Factor

This entry was posted by on Tuesday, 6 July, 2004 at

I have come to realize quite recently that my life is run by fear.

And this is not good.

All my decisions, everything I do, everything I say, is dictated by fear. Sometimes less-so than others, but fear is always a factor in my decision making. Always. Most recently, this was a good thing. Many times it is not. Other times it is neither good nor bad, but rather simply guides me one way rather than another.

Some people may look at me and consider my “work ethic” to be good. Possibly even that I am “always there when we need you” and “willing to go the extra step”. Well that is wrong. My work ethic is dictated by the fear of losing my job. I may “exceed expectations”, but that is only because of my inability to judge expectations, so I exceed in order to not fail. I fear failure.

Recently fear kept me from chucking it and heading to Europe without a plan. Fear that we couldn’t find good homes for our kids; fear that we’d come back to nothing; fear that we’d be leaving the best thing we had going for us; fear that I wouldn’t be able to be successful again.

And this is why I am stuck. Fear seems to hold me back. Fear causes me to second guess and double think decisions. Fear makes me visualize a scenario to find the flaw, then rationalize out not doing something because of the high possibility of failure.

I fear many many things. Failure is the highest on that long list.

I also find it odd that, though I live relatively regret free, fear still dictates my life to me. I’m thinking I need to change that. The problem here, however, lies in the fact that I have grown up living my life by it. So much so, that right now, I can’t begin to imagine -how- to change. And that kinda sucks.

And you know, fear has lead me to a relatively good, comfortable life. And I don’t really want to lose that. But damn it, I don’t want to live by fear’s command either.

Fear, my good friends, is an Effing mother Effer. Yep, I said it. Effer.

5 Responses to “Fear Factor”

  1. Don’t fear the Reaper…

    I got a Fever, and the only Prescription is, MORE COWBELL!

    Dude, EVERYONE has those fears. If I didn’t, I would have walked out on my Day job long ago and tried to get this art thing full time. Yea, I’m making more money w/ the art then my day job by quite a bit, but until Terri figures out what she’s doing… I need to stay there.

  2. Fear is one thing. Caution another. Responsibility not to be underestimated. And overthinking something else entirely still. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Poet, in my experience no one ever gives themselves enough benefit of the doubt and they’d be happier if they treated themselves the same way they like to treat friends or siblings. (Meaning that if my brother is in the dumps or being hard on himself, I always try to buck him up. Which flies in the face of what I do to myself, which is rather cruel.)

    If you’re stuck, it’s because you’re thinking too much. When thoughts of fear like this grip you, I recommend stopping thinking. It’s not avoidance, it’s healthy. Do something you enjoy, whatever it is. Forget the worries as best you can, and when you’re in a good mood you’ll know where you’re at and what you want. The hounds of self-doubt yap loudly and very little can be heard over their din.

    To attribute most decisions to fear is like blaming the day on the night that came before it.

    What in god’s name does that mean? I’ll leave it because it makes me laugh.

    Anyway, you posted this a while ago, and it looks like you’ve been through a wringer the last month. And it’s not like you don’t already know whatever I’m yammering on about here. Many of us have been there, and most people understand. Hell, I’m a stranger to you and I felt like commenting. Just be good to yourself, with compassion and honesty in the mix, and everything else will fall into place.

  3. Thank you

    You are correct in that I am harder on myself than I am on those I care for.

    I do appreciate your advice, as it sounds all too familiar. Almost as if I had dispense it to others in similar circumstances. Odd how that works. I am sure you are just the same as I in this respect: we dispense good advice, yet can’t take our own to heart. 🙂

    Emotionally, it has indeed been a difficult month. Too much introspection at times can do that, though I do believe I am learning from it all the same, so I can’t complain too much.

    Lastly, you may indeed be a meat-puppet stranger, but in this space that is only words, there -is- a bit more of a connection. At the least, I know you enjoy good scotch which in my book makes you a friend.

  4. Re: Thank you

    True that, I agree. In some random fashion, some day we’ll no doubt meet and it will be satisfyingly weird. But luckily, when we do meet it will certainly involve some single malt or other, and the strange experience of knowing someone before you meet will be quickly smoothed.

    You’re in SoCal aren’t you? Not far from LA as I recall. As I am enjoying a long distance affair with a lovely young thing who lives in Marvista, the opportunities for such a mix-up are not to be underestimated.

  5. Re: Thank you

    I am indeed in SoCal… South Orange County to be more precise. Still a bit away from Marvista. Though I do venture up to Hollywood every now and again to dress in black, drink and watch fetish shows.

    In fact I think we may have an excursion in the planning stages for sometime soon to go to Bar Sinister and get all gothed out.

    Ah, in the event we do stumble across one another, no doubt it will be due to the excessive consumption of some fine, scotches. I can also attest ot the oddity of meeting others in such a way. Thus far, it seems to have worked out well.


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