I have come to realize quite recently that my life is run by fear.
And this is not good.
All my decisions, everything I do, everything I say, is dictated by fear. Sometimes less-so than others, but fear is always a factor in my decision making. Always. Most recently, this was a good thing. Many times it is not. Other times it is neither good nor bad, but rather simply guides me one way rather than another.
Some people may look at me and consider my “work ethic” to be good. Possibly even that I am “always there when we need you” and “willing to go the extra step”. Well that is wrong. My work ethic is dictated by the fear of losing my job. I may “exceed expectations”, but that is only because of my inability to judge expectations, so I exceed in order to not fail. I fear failure.
Recently fear kept me from chucking it and heading to Europe without a plan. Fear that we couldn’t find good homes for our kids; fear that we’d come back to nothing; fear that we’d be leaving the best thing we had going for us; fear that I wouldn’t be able to be successful again.
And this is why I am stuck. Fear seems to hold me back. Fear causes me to second guess and double think decisions. Fear makes me visualize a scenario to find the flaw, then rationalize out not doing something because of the high possibility of failure.
I fear many many things. Failure is the highest on that long list.
I also find it odd that, though I live relatively regret free, fear still dictates my life to me. I’m thinking I need to change that. The problem here, however, lies in the fact that I have grown up living my life by it. So much so, that right now, I can’t begin to imagine -how- to change. And that kinda sucks.
And you know, fear has lead me to a relatively good, comfortable life. And I don’t really want to lose that. But damn it, I don’t want to live by fear’s command either.
Fear, my good friends, is an Effing mother Effer. Yep, I said it. Effer.