In the past few weeks I have had a distinct lack of any items of true interest. My life was in a seemingly stagnant plateau of work, food, sleep, repeat. Emotionally, well there simply wasn’t any true stimulation. The void is a bit hard to describe since it wasn’t an all-encompassing lack of feeling, just simply a time in life where there really just isn’t anything going on. Nothing that required any sort of deep introspective thought or reflection at least.
That changed two nights ago. My birth mother finally e-mailed me back in reply to the message I had sent in mid December. By this time, I had all but given up on receiving a reply. I figured I had come off too strong in terms of emotion, or had stirred up things on her end enough to push her away. While I would have completely understood had that been the case, luckily it was not. She had simply been busy with work and home matters and had wanted to take the time necessary to provide a substantial reply. Lord knows I can understand that.
I have not replied to her yet for the same reasons. I want to take the time to really formulate a good letter and continue the correspondence at an articulate and adult level, which is to say: emotionally controlled.
I was very heartened when reading her letter back to me as I was able to finally get a sense of her voice and personality. She and I seem to hold that bit in common at least, as her voice comes off as controlled and well thought out. The best word for this that is coming to me right now is: adult. It is difficult to explain, but I respect that immensely. She seems to be even-keeled and calm. While I am sure that below the surface things are a bit more out of control, I am thankful that we are able to correspond on such an adult level without convoluting things with too much emotion. This is a huge deal for both of us and I am sure an overabundance of emotionally driven conversation wouldn’t do either of us any good.
This is not to say that I am all crazy and emotional about this and holding it all in. On the contrary, I have known for so long about my adoption, that I have had time to deal with all the “issues” in a very intellectual manner. And I continue to do so.
It appears from her letter that we share a good number of things in common. One being a pull towards all things Celtic/Irish, while another being our apparent knack with computers. Jean even noted that our writing “voices” are very similar… which I find amusing. I rarely find others who write with a similar voice as I do.
Further, it seems that she has a 27 year old daughter as well. This in an of its self didn’t really strike me until sometime yesterday afternoon. I guess this means I have a half-sister. And I’m not sure how that makes me feel. There are so many things that I simply never thought about before because they never applied to me, but now they kind of do. It is an odd feeling at the least.
My birth mom (whom I shall now begin referring to as “Debby” here for brevity’s sake) hasn’t told her parents or daughter that I have contacted her. And I can completely understand this as well. I don’t think I’d want to have those conversations if I were in her shoes either. On the same hand, I haven’t told my adopted parents that I contacted Debby. It just seems that there is nothing that will come of it other than unwanted advice and worry on their part. More to the point, there just really isn’t that much to tell.
All in all, Debby’s message has left me more comfortable than I was before. She has allied my fears that I had dug up a large amount of pain and turmoil, but rather had caused only some reflection and inner self debate, which is only to be expected. Hell, I dug that up in MYSELF without even trying.
She ended her letter on what I consider a very up-lifting note. The single line, almost hidden in the middle of a paragraph, read: “I do look forward to hearing more from you, and about who you are.”
Along with the rest of the closing paragraph, this told me she is not only open to further contact, but is truly interested to know more about me and will help me know more about her as well.
Sometime soon, I will be sending a note back to continue the correspondence…